Politically correct school days no comparison to real life

Michael Smerconish: Politically correct school days no comparison to real life
7.1.10
By Michael Smerconish - Daily News
Philadelphia Daily News
Daily News Opinion Columnist

THERE were NINE valedictorians at Cherry Hill High East this year. One was selected by lottery to speak at graduation, the others' remarks were printed in the program.

The CH East Cougars aren't alone. The New York Times reported that Stratford High near Houston honored 30 valedictorians. One Colorado school district boasted 94 among eight high schools. And at Long Island, N.Y.'s, Jericho High School, the seven valedictorians combined talents to perform a 10-minute skit at their commencement.

What next? Ten homecoming queens? Three class presidents? Two principals?

Needless to say, no one is a valedictorian when everyone is a valedictorian. Not to ignore the terrific achievement of these students, but their crowning moment has lost all significance.
It's just that we shouldn't be surprised. In fact, it seems fitting. The perfect finale to an 18-year PC progression of life.

ALONG the way, there were other warning milestones:
First, newborns enter the world being told they are the most beautiful baby - when, in fact, they all look alike. But we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, least of all the babies, even though they're incapable of any comprehension.

The pattern continues when school days arrive. The forces of zero tolerance are firmly entrenched by first grade. Just ask Delaware youngster Zachary Christie what happens when you bring a Cub Scout utensil to school and try to eat your pudding with it. He was threatened with a stint in reform school.

And don't even think about making a fake weapon part of your Halloween costume. Oh, wait, not familiar with Halloween? That's the old name for the "Fall Festival" your school held two months before the "Winter Pageant" in December.

Gone, too, are the prayers that used to begin each school day. Heck, you're lucky we still include the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance.

Not to worry if you're a poor performer. The dunce cap has long been retired and those bad grades - assuming there's still a grading system in place - now come in purple ink (lest someone undergo the double indignity of both seeing a failing grade and having it expressed in the color of blood). And speaking of caps, you'll now receive one each year - to match the gown you wear to your "annual graduation" ceremony.

Care to try your hand at some Little League, sport? Keeping score went out with the lions at the Coliseum. And, remember, everybody gets a trophy just for showing up. Better that than the inevitable cuts and bruises that come with a game of dodge ball.
You can forget about food fights in the school lunchroom. They went off the menu with mystery meat and sloppy joes. A group of Chicago middle-schoolers learned that the hard way last year. They were arrested for their cafeteria antics.

Speaking of food, when it's time for the first after-school job, those young adults who are willing to wait tables no longer have to worry about rearranging the salt shakers. If a New York state assemblyman had had his way earlier this year, they'd have been outlawed in his state. Same for Happy Meals at McDonald's, given the addictive nature of the toys they come with, not to mention the link to childhood obesity.

But, hey, save up some money and you can buy your first car. Just be sure it runs on hashish fumes and is smaller than a Soap Box Derby car. Forget relics like Hummers, which have gone the way of the Edsel. They were no fun to drive anyway. The sideways glances such environment-killers attracted made them hardly worth the social trauma.

But some traditions die hard.

Last year, an openly gay male student in L.A. was voted prom queen. At least prom night itself survives - open to all couples of any combination, and celebrated with free condom distribution.
Less into cars and chicks than the old man was, and more into athletics? No problem, just be sure to leave that aluminum bat at home. One of those will earn you more criticism than a called third strike, at least in California, where a state assemblyman proposed a three-year metal-bat moratorium.

Yeah, survive this coddling cocoon and you, too, can be one of nine valedictorians.

But there's just one catch.

And it comes the day after you graduate, when fantasyland comes to an end.

See, when you get out of bed that day, you'll need a job. And guess what? Not everybody is getting hired. And once hired, not everyone can be promoted, much less kept employed.

NO, NOW YOU'RE in the real world, where competition exists for everything from career advancement to choice of spouse.

You'll compete for a better job, the ability to pay for a nicer car and election as PTA officer. And you can bet that there won't be any "co-winning" involved.

Sorry we didn't tell you sooner.

But, hey, you were too busy rearranging your fully stocked trophy case and planning your valedictory skit.

Listen to Michael Smerconish weekdays 5-9 a.m. on the Big Talker, 1210/AM. Read him Sundays in the Inquirer. Contact him via the Web at www.smerconish.com.